Scare Turns Into Blessing

Yesterday we had a scare with Ms. D. We caught her in a lie, which isn't unexpected. My kids have often lied, sometimes over the most insignificant things. But this lie concerned her relationship with the "seventeen year old boy who has a nice car, lives on his own, and doesn't go to high school," that Hubby and I have never met. Yes, he's the one we suspect is the real person Ms. D was waiting for that night she snuck out and got caught by the police, that peeked into neighbors' cars, and that Ms. D made out with on the side of the road. Ms. D is so afraid for us to know more about him or that she is somehow still in contact with him. I don't know how she thought we'd believe that she hasn't seen him since before Easter, yet he somehow was able to give her a necklace for her birthday the other day. I thought it was odd that she cleaned her room until after we went to bed the other night. Wow! This parenting a beautiful girl with FASD is pretty difficult!

The evening turned out well, though. Hubby took Ms. D with him late last night to pick up food to distribute to the needy. Ms. D, on her own, told Hubby that she was tired of hiding things from us and that she wanted to be more open. This is a big thing for her! Ms. D normally doesn't talk. She was trained from an early age to hold things in. We have been trying for years to get her to verbalize her feelings and to be able to process the difficulties in her life. Last night, she talked to Hubby about her disappointment that the birth family didn't call her on her birthday. Birth Dad did text her, but she heard nothing from her birth mom and older siblings. She and Hubby also talked about keeping her safe, boys, being open and honest with us, and other topics. If she continues to be able to express herself verbally, she may be able to heal some more. I hope that she will be able to open up and not hold everything in. And maybe she will let us meet the mystery boy.

If so, a scary situation can turn into a blessing.

An Idea That Might Embarrass My Teen

There had been fires or rain the past four days, so this is the first time I was able to hang out some laundry all week. But while pinning up the clothes, I was annoyed by the rubber bands that Ms. D uses to tighten her shirts in the back. To me, it looks tacky, slutty, and shows her immaturity. But she doesn't listen to me, and does it when I'm not looking or noticing. It's one of those things, like hiking up skirts, that Catholic girls do the minute they leave the house. I don't expect her to wear baggy clothes, but I would like her to look more polished. The rubber band thing just doesn't convey a good message in my eyes.

Here is a tutorial, if you don't understand what I mean by tightening a shirt with a rubber band.
http://www.wikihow.com/Tie-A-Shirt-To-Make-It-Tighter

I've tried just about everything I can think of to get Ms. D to stop, but she continues to do it. But as I removed the second rubber band, I thought of something that just might work. I should use rubber bands on some of my shirts! Most shirts aren't very flattering on me anyway. If I get shirts that fit my bust, I look much heavier than I really am. The shoulders and waist are much too big for my frame. I either have to alter the shirts, or find some that stretch in the right places. Using a rubber band for awhile to tighten the waist area might help me to look a bit slimmer.

But better yet, if I use a rubber band to tighten my shirts, I just might embarrass Ms. D enough to stop doing it herself!

Happy Birthday, Ms. D!

Ms. D made it to fifteen!

Happy Birthday! 

Even though she's given us a few scares the past few years, she is still doing much better than her birth family at this age. 

Her friend, Ms. M, gave her some flowers, some brownies, and cards from her and her little brother and left them at the doorstep on the way to school. I gave Ms. D some money so she and Mr. I could go to the mall while I helped their sister get her car fixed nearby. It was a stretch for me to let them go by themselves, but I figured Mr. I would keep an eye on his sister. He did, but also begged for me to buy him some shoes. Whose birthday is it anyway?

Later we went out to eat with her friend. It was hard to get a picture of Ms. D. She's at that age when we have more pictures of her hand or in a blur than not. But we all had fun, especially when her friend asked the waiters to sing the birthday song to Ms. D. Oh, it's so fun to embarrass a teenager!

And easy too!

Taking Turns

Isn't it so sweet when our kids take turns?

Today was Ms. D's day to be dysregulated and prickly. "Stop looking at me! Get away from me! Don't touch me! I'm hungry! I'm not hungry! There's nothing good to eat at our house! Stop smiling! You'll make me smile." Yes, these were the sweet sounds that reached my ears as soon as she woke up and continued throughout the morning. I wasn't the only recipient of her lashing out. Mr. I was picked on until he fought back, resulting in more yelling. Even the poor dog received some negativity. You know something is up when Ms. D snaps at the dog too!

It didn't take me long to figure out the reason for Ms. D's mood. Adolescent hormones were in full force.

So we left Mr. I at home and walked. We walked the dogs. We walked to the stores. And after the first ten minutes of walking, we talked about girl things. The walking and talking helped my hormonal girl. I'm so glad that Mr. I was regulated enough to leave him home alone. It would have been difficult to handle both kids at once.

It's nice when the kids take turns.

Living With Dysregulation

Living with a child, or two children, who get dysregulated from time to time can be very taxing. I've come to learn the dysregulation comes in waves. There is a slow but steady buildup period. The kids get increasingly moody, edgy, unattached, or bossy. I hold my breath waiting for the emotions to crash, and then it all hits the fan. Finally, their moods level out and they are happy and loving again. The cycle then repeats, especially with changes in schedule or holidays.

Yesterday was Mothers Day, so it doesn't surprise me that there was another dysregulation cycle. It slowly built up after our vacation. There were triggers. I wasn't feeling well for about a week after we returned. We started school up in full force. Hubby had changes to his work schedule. Then came the holiday that triggers all sorts of emotions in adopted kids, the dreaded Mothers Day. You could just feel the emotional energy build. I expected a full blown meltdown yesterday, but we downplayed the holiday. It wasn't without incident. Mr. I complained most of the day about a bump in the head he got Saturday. He said it was bad enough to go to the emergency room, but not bad enough for ice, ibuprofen, or prayer. I was hoping that was as far as the dysregulation would go, that we could avoid a crash, and that Mr. I would have peace. But it wasn't to be.

Today Mr. I awoke on the wrong side of the bed. He didn't want to eat, but was hungry. He was hot and wanted the air conditioner on, but I wouldn't comply because it wasn't even eighty degrees yet. He wanted me to withdraw money from his bank account now, and couldn't wait until I had a car later in the day. He didn't want to do his schoolwork, and pushed back or lied to get out of the least amount of work.  He fussed about everything he could think of. Finally, I snapped and yelled at him. I started to clean the kitchen so I would release some of the energy, but I broke a drawer because I pulled too hard on it. Our cabinets are over thirty years old and are made of particle board, so it didn't take much to break the drawer. But it was pretty impressive when the silverware came crashing down. I was crying. I was a mess. Mr. I was a mess. Ms. D laughed at us in her bedroom.

I did not do what I was supposed to do. A good, therapeutic parent would find a way to playfully and lovingly bring down the heated emotions and restore peace and harmony into the home. I did the opposite. You'd think that Mr. I would be worse after we both had a meltdown. I sure do, and feel so awful that I got to that point. What amazed me is that afterwards he became even more connected to me than he had in awhile. He helped me fix the drawer. We apologized to each other. He had a smile on his face and asked me politely to make him some food. We talked later about how we all make mistakes and we can recover from them. It was weird. All that pent up energy was diffused, and we were able to restore our relationship.

Unfortunately this time, the crisis was between Mr. I and me. Other times it is with Ms. D and her brother, with a family member or friend, or just a solo dysregulated trip. There definitely is a pattern, though. The buildup, crisis, and resolution is pretty predictable. I hope to help the kids to be able to learn to recover without the crisis someday. It would be a lot easier for all of us!

The Pain of Mothers Day

Mothers Day is tomorrow.

It could be a difficult day tomorrow for me...

...Not because I have struggled with infertility. I have friends who don't have children and Mothers Day is a painful reminder that they don't have what they have been longing for.

...Not because I have lost any children to death, like one high school friend who recently lost her second daughter. My heart breaks for her and others who won't be able to see their children until they meet them at the other side.

...Not because I live far away from my children, or have a child that is incarcerated, or have lost a child through adoption or a custody dispute. It must be so hard for women to not be able to be near their children, no matter what the circumstance.

...Not because I have a child that has written me off and doesn't want to see my face. That would be so painful to know my relationship to my children is so broken, they have given up on reconciliation.

No, tomorrow may be difficult because two of my children have another mother, one that their heart longs to be near, yet one that for whatever reason isn't in contact with them. Mothers day is not only a holiday that takes the attention off themselves, which would be difficult enough, but it is a reminder that they are not with their first mother, the one that gave them birth. Mothers Day is a day of pain, of heartache, of loss.

For that reason, I try to downplay Mothers Day. I'd much rather have a peaceful day, than one that triggers a meltdown or some other kind of acting out. So when Mr. I asked if he could go to a friend's grandma's house tomorrow, my friend thought it strange that he would want do that instead of doing something for me. I think she was surprised that he didn't have any plans with our family and it was like any other Sunday to him. I think it makes perfect sense, and might just allow me a bit of a rest. I'd rather not fight the Mothers day crowds anyway.

When Things Add Up

I've been trying to figure out why I've been in such a funk since we got back from vacation. I've been frustrated by my bad attitude, the way I've interpreted situations and people's behaviors in a negative light, and have felt so inadequate to accomplish things that are not normally difficult. It's been a struggle to be positive, which isn't typical for me.

Why am I so sad? But after thinking about it, I've had quite a few difficulties the past two weeks.

Physically, we have had challenges. We've had a virus go through the house, making us very tired, have sore throats, and have mild aches and pains. That alone could affect my mood. My shoulder has been hurting me since the camping trip. Low level pain is wearing. Allergies, headaches, and asthma have been annoying. I also had to take a family member to the urgent care clinic for a bee sting on a finger with a ring, bringing up memories of last year's visits to the hospital.

There were other challenges too. I resigned last week from co-leading our homeschool support group before we got a new leader. God provided a leader, but not until after I resigned. It was a blessing, but at the same time, it is a loss. My relationship with some of the woman will change. I feel as if I let some of them down. There are other challenges before me, some big and some small. The anticipation is almost worse than going through them.

The kids have had a difficult time reentering the school schedule. While there has been a breakthrough with Ms. D understanding what a variable is in pre-aglebra, that has been the only real high point of school the past two weeks. Mr. I has been fighting so hard to disrupt schoolwork, I am wondering if homeschooling a child with an attachment disorder and FASD is really a good idea. It has taken a lot of self control to not blow up in the face of lying, ordering about, and not doing even the simplest of tasks.

I found out that one relative moved to New Mexico right after we visited Arizona. I wish I could have known and visited while we were on vacation. Another relative had a health scare, and I wish I could have been near.

And then many of my friends have been having major tragedies in their lives. One found out she had stage four cancer just weeks after she told me she was cancer free after five years. Her husband lost his father the day after she found the news. Another friend lost her second daughter, and another a brother. Other friends lost people they loved in tragic accidents. And still others are visiting loved ones in hospitals. Their problems far eclipse mine. I pray for them, yet I'm not very good at praying and letting God handle the rest. My heart breaks for the losses that so many people I love are experiencing.

I didn't think I had much to be sad about, but I guess there was.

I don't like feeling this way, so I've been doing things that help me cope.

-I played with my grandson today, and experienced with him the wonder of nature while we were on a walk. I loved to play with him and hear his giggles.

-I have been giving people a lot more hugs. Hugging has a way of improving my mood. I am even hugging the dog more.

-I am trying to avoid bad news, and focus on the good.

-I am getting my body moving, even when I don't feel like it. I have been cleaning when I have the energy, which gives me a sense of accomplishment and improves my environment, in addition to the physical activity.

-I look at humorous sites on the internet. I try to laugh before I go to bed.

-I started another crochet project. It's much cheaper than therapy!

-I tell myself that things will get better. God is in control. He's helped me get through worse times before. I am not alone.