Sunday, August 21, 2011

Disappointment, Rejection, and the Road to Bitterness

Remember the dream I had a few days ago? I wrote about it in, Do You Think God is Trying to Tell me Something? Well, last night I went to a combined church service with Hubby and kids.  There was a part of the night where people were asked to share God stories.  I was looking forward to Hubby sharing at least a little part of his trip to Nicaragua.  I have only heard a few bits and pieces the last two days since he is so tired and needs some quiet, and because of moving my son and praying for some members of the kids' birth family, he's been too busy to share much.  So anyway, I had the expectation that he would be given even a minute or two to tell how God had come through.  Well, just like in the dream when I couldn't get three seats because church people kept jumping ahead and saving seats for others, leaving me standing and crying in the aisle, last night people kept jumping ahead and telling their stories before Hubby could fully raise his hand.  And when the pastor seemed to ignore us, it was just too much for me.  I left the room crying.

Now, Hubby isn't bothered at all. He knew time was short.  But I've also been dealing with a rejection from a family member while Hubby was in Nicaragua but I was too preoccupied to really process it.  This person keeps doing things over and over and I get hurt every time.  Sometimes I wonder why?  It shouldn't be that way.  But it is.

It's easier to handle rejection from the little kids.  I know when they say,  "I hate you", call me names, or mock me, that they are coming from a hurt place.  I guess it's the same with the family member, but it hurts to the core.  And when I am overlooked with church people, I'm not just reacting to the current situation, but to all the other ones that haven't been fully dealt with.  It's like a raw sore that keeps getting opened up.

Earlier today, Hubby was reading a Facebook entry by Rick Joyner.  It said something like every great man is rejected, and he can choose to become bitter or better.

I don't want to be bitter.  I've cried so much last night and this morning.  I am so hurt.  I missed seeing one of my sons play drums in a church because I didn't want to be near church people. But I can't let the wounds fester and turn me into a bitter person.  I need to let God use this to change me to be better.

I'm just not that strong right now.  Fortunately, God is strong in my weakness.

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