Tonight I'm pretty discouraged.
First of all, I came down with a nasty cold and my stomach is feeling yucky too, so I haven't been feeling well physically. Of course, life goes on, and kids need to be fed, the house gets messier, and the kids tend to get a bit dysregulated when they notice that Mom isn't feeling well. I guess it brings up some PTSD about their birth family to see Mom laying on the sofa. They're healing, but any hint of anxiety doesn't help when I'm sick.
There also was a leadership meeting for our church tonight. I was supposed to go with Hubby and talk about how to reach out to the birth family. I've been feeling a bit discouraged since about three weeks ago when Birthmom wanted to be dropped off early from church after someone asked her to be quiet while others were talking and praying. She had been chatting with Ms D, and Ms D was laughing a bit loudly, and people couldn't hear over the chatter and giggles. Anyway, Ms D was acting pretty strangely that night, very dysregulated, and who knows if she said something that offended Birthmom. She's been saying things that shouldn't be said because she gets so hyped up and the mouth starts running. It's part of the FASD to be a bit clueless about social things. Ms D has said some pretty rude things to the birth family. Some of the stuff she says when she is in a certain mood is pretty strange, but I guess I don't take it personally any more. I'm glad that she doesn't swear like she used to! But the birth family doesn't understand that her brain short circuits. Different ones in the family have been offended these past few months. I've been asking Ms D the past couple of weeks if she has been in contact with the birth family. She hasn't. There has been so much going on here, I haven't either. It's seems weird to me that the birth family hasn't contacted Ms D. I don't know what's going on, but to talk about outreach to a family that might be angry with us at a leadership meeting didn't look too appealing to me while I was sick. I really didn't want to spread my discouragement to Hubby and the rest. So I didn't go.
Yes, I needed the rest. And the people at the meeting probably wouldn't want me to share this cold and stomach rumbles with them. But when Hubby came home I realized that I really missed out. And I'm struggling with keeping a good attitude about it. Hubby was very encouraged by our pastor who showed him how well things really have been going with the birth family. God is up to something. And later a lady gifted in the prophetic came to the meeting and told Hubby about meeting her birth family lately. She hadn't been told about our situation and had come in after the discussion about our kids' birth family. She told Hubby that she couldn't figure out why she was telling him her story until after he mentioned that we had adopted the kids and have recently been in contact with the birth family. There were other things she said that were really encouraging to Hubby. I'm so disappointed I missed hearing it. I had been asking God for direction and encouragement lately, and feel like I missed God's provision by staying home. I'm struggling with having right thinking. It seems like it is easier to hear the Accuser right now.
But then I went to my Facebook page. And a friend had this on it:
I can choose to dwell on what I don't have and what I missed out on, or I can choose to praise Him who has given me so much. I really have so much to be thankful! I'm thankful that I get to raise Ms D and Mr I. I'm thankful that all my older kids know and love God. I'm thankful that Jesus has made it possible for us to be with Him by His sacrifice. I'm thankful that Hubby has a job. I'm thankful that God speaks to me in so many different ways. I'm thankful for my home. I thank God for tissues to wipe my nose. I'm thankful for Hubby's enthusiasm. I'm thankful for the beautiful flowers.
I'm going to bed now, It's almost 1:00 am. But I'm not going to bed discouraged. I'm going to bed thanking God for all He has given me. I'm thankful for having enough food. I'm thankful for Facebook and friends who write things that encourage me. I'm thankful for good neighbors. I thank God for giving me indoor plumbing and hot and cold water...