Thursday, November 10, 2011

Differing Ways of Mourning

This week has been tough for the kids because of the murder of their friend.  Of course both of them are mourning in different ways.  Ms. D is sad, laying in bed a lot, looking at news reports, and talking to our family and her friends about it.  Mr. I seems more fearful and doesn't want to talk at all.  Of course, Ms. D can identify with the girl and Mr. I had more signs of PTSD when he came to us.  Ms. D tends to disassociate when things get stressful, forgetting major parts of events.  Mr. I remembers everything and acts out when things remind him of a violent past.

Yesterday, Microbio Daughter took Ms. D and a friend to a spaghetti feed fundraiser for Tara's family.  Mr. I stayed home with me. It was good for Ms. D to talk to other friends.  The church was packed with hundreds of people. Ms. D was a bit spacey for the first half hour, but then she settled down and talked.  When she got back, I could tell she really got a lot out of this time.  It is good for her to process things over and over.  I am so glad that my daughters could go together.

Today, while we were out shopping, I asked Ms. D if she would like to go past the place where Tara was killed.  She said yes, so we went to pay our respects.  It seemed to help Ms. D, but Mr. I was fearful and wanted to leave as soon as possible, as if the shooters would get out of jail and start shooting him at two in the afternoon. We could see the bullet holes in the fence in addition to flowers, notes, balloons, candles, and other things in the memorial.  We stayed there a few minutes until Mr. I couldn't stand it anymore.  I hope it was long enough for Ms. D. Each has a different way of mourning. It is so hard to balance the needs of the two children.  I guess it has always been this way.

As we were leaving, and right after I prayed for the families and children affected by this, I found myself making the sign of the cross instinctively.  I wonder why?  Could it be my Catholic background, or the Catholic rosaries and candles at the memorial?  Or is it something the families would want people to do to show their respects?  Whatever it was, it seemed right.


Memorial on street

Memorial for Tara

Looking at Tara's hat and a rosary

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