Sunday, December 18, 2011

Sleeping Sitting Up

Sleeping sitting up, blathering, forgetting names, a migraine off and on, all these signs show me that I'm still running low on energy and am still stressed. I'm actually getting a little worried because people have come to me with pretty important things in their lives lately, and I can't quite remember what I said. Did I give good advice? Or did I drone on with nonsense? I don't know! I don't know how it came across. I find myself going away or setting down the phone wondering if I helped, or just plain messed up. I pray that God will speak to them directly because He's the only one that can ultimately help with some of these concerns anyway. 

Of course when someone is weak, the enemy comes barging in, spreading doubt, fear, and whatever else he can do to make us miserable. I see this in my life. I'm doubting myself and my ability to be a good parent. I see this in Birth Mom. She has had a tough time of it lately, trying to find housing with enough bedrooms to fit her family, seeing Ms. D seize in the hospital, and all the family drama that's going on right now. I was a bit worried for her this week when she disappeared for a couple of days, but she pulled it together enough to go to church with hubby and Ms. D this morning. She loved the church; it was perfect for her culture and where she is at in her life. People accepted her, prayed for her, and loved up on her. I could tell she was changed in some way because she called the kids this evening to say goodnight. I'm so happy she did that. I see a pattern with her, her family, and Ms. D of checking out, running away, and hiding from difficulties. I pray that we can teach Ms. D and be an example to the birth family of how to face our problems, fears, and trials rather than run away through seizures, drugs and alcohol, or breaking off relationships. I pray that I can be a good example.

In the meantime, I'm just telling people I'm not thinking clearly. I'm definitely depending on God more than ever because there's not much left of me to give to others. And maybe that's not a bad thing.

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