Today we went back to the doctor because Ms. D had some symptoms that I wasn't sure could be treated at home. It turned out to be something else that was probably caused by the antibiotics from her strep throat. I won't say any more because I tend to get all geeky when it comes to medical stuff. Three years of nursing school and having relatives in the medical field really desensitized me. I have to be careful not to give too much information and cause someone else to lose their lunch. Yes, it's happened before!
Hospitals used to be an exciting place for me. I am amazed at how intricately and wonderfully we are made. The human body is so awesome! I love to help people in the healing process. If I hadn't fostered and adopted the kids, I would have gone back to nursing school. But lately, probably because of all the illness and hospital stays the past few months, I haven't been as happy to be around that place. A couple of days ago, as I was passing by the hospital in the evening, I even had a slight panic attack.
I'm also avoiding looking at Ms. D's cognitive report. I quickly read through it when I got it two mornings ago, but have not looked at it since. I really need to copy it and send it to the regional center, and also go to the medical records department and get her health records sent. But I've just been "too busy". Deep down, I know I'm procrastinating because I'm emotionally not quite ready. My little panic attack later that night is probably related to getting the report.
The cognitive assessment was actually pretty accurate. I realize now that I had been minimizing or explaining away certain behaviors. I've attributed certain difficulties in learning to her being stressed, distracted, or because of her past. They do probably have an effect on her learning, but aren't the sole cause of the learning problems. I've been paying more attention to how she talks to others, and I've noticed some differences between her and other girls her age, which explains why she has such stormy relationships with her friends.
I'm still grieving, but it's hard to grieve when the kids are awake. So instead I've been busying or distracting myself. But in the end I need to get to a place where I let go of what could have been, and enjoy the beautiful and sweet daughter who is such a precious gift. I need to love her for who she is, and not concentrate on her weaknesses. Not many relationships can survive the habit of looking at all the imperfections in the other person. I know one of the strengths in our marriage is that we give our spouse grace and enjoy the strengths of the other person, rather than nit picking at each other's weaknesses. I sure have plenty of faults! It's a bit harder to do this when teaching and raising kids, because I do have a responsibility to train and guide them into adulthood. But there is a balance. I don't think I have the wisdom to find that balance, but it does and will make me more and more dependent on Him, who has all wisdom.