What I really want to write about today is how I finished a sewing, knitting, crocheting, or quilting project. Or maybe getting my spring planting done on such a beautiful, sunny, California day. Or maybe about seeing my grandson, or about doing something fun with the family. I want to be able to write about something that would be encouraging. But that's not what I can write about today.
What I am thinking about, praying about, and pondering, isn't very pretty. It's not something that I can show others that I've accomplished something, or at least had fun. What I'm thinking about is how I'm having to forgive the kids' birthmother on another level. I have to forgive Birthmom for making Ms. D MR. Ms. D's IQ is in the 50-70 point range because Birthmom drank alcohol while she was pregnant. I've forgiven her for giving the kids FASD, but now there's another level. And I'm scared for Ms. D, angry, grieving... And it's hard to forgive. But I must forgive her for the kids' sake, for me, for the rest of the family, and for our relationship with the birth family.
We talked about layers of unbelief in church tonight. I'm staring at a new layer of unbelief in my life. Can I trust that God will take care of Ms. D? Can I trust that God will give me all I need to love and guide the kids to love and follow God, and to have a good life? Can I trust that I can give my hurts, my fears, and my need for justice to God? Can I learn to see the birth family as God sees them? Can I learn to hear God well enough an obey Him in every step, not holding back in fear, or going ahead of Him in pride?
I can't do it in my own strength. It's so clear to me now.
So maybe tomorrow I can blog about something fun or creative. Hubby and I, after all, are going to San Francisco to take a chocolate making class. I'm looking forward to it and also writing about it. But tonight...