The last few days I've been a bit discouraged at times. When the kids are dysregulated, or act out in public places, I still feel like I've not done a good enough job in raising them. And since being a wife and mother is my career, I take it personally. I make mistakes, a lot of them, and raising kids with FASD and past trauma isn't easy. Add to that the normal angst of adolescence, and you get the terrifying roller coaster that is our lives.
One minute my kids are hugging me and are attached, the next they flinch when I touch them. One minute they are calm and happy, the next they are raging, or sulking, or telling me they want to move in with their birth dad as soon as they hit eighteen. One minute one of them is listening to Christian music on the radio, the next minute the same child declares she doesn't believe in God. One minute a child is mocking Hubby, the next he is happily engaged with him on some project. Sometimes I know what triggers their behaviors right away, sometimes I figure it out later, and other times I am completely in the dark. It's all so complex.
I was feeling pretty discouraged yesterday when we went to a larger gathering of house churches in our network. The kids hadn't gone to the larger gathering for a while, so they were pretty dysregulated for the first part of the time. I was a bit embarrassed by their sulking and bad looks to me, and judged myself as being a bad mother for letting my kids act that way. It really got me down. Fortunately, the kids warmed up after awhile, and the message could have been spoken specifically to me. My worth as a person really shouldn't be wrapped up in the behaviors of others. My worth comes from God, not from what I do, what others say about me, or how my kids turn out. I need to do my best, but not feel like I'm a failure if my kids make bad choices. I need to be faithful in whatever God gives to me, keep my head up, and not worry about the outcome.