Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Twelve Hours and Counting

Well, it's more like fourteen hours, and Hubby and a friend will be taking off for Nicaragua. But we'll have to leave the house less than twelve hours from now so I can drop them off at the airport. One circuit of the clock and I'll be a single mom for two weeks.

Are we ready? Oh no! But we are as ready as we can get. Hubby is doing the last minute details both for the trip, work, and home. The kids are pretty stressed about it all. Hubby brings a sense of protection and stability to their lives. In their birth home, their mom especially let them down and was physically abused in their presence. So it doesn't matter that a second degree black belt will be sleeping in the next room, or that they've seen the mama bear in me when I thought my kids were in danger. No, to them, deep down, women are weak and can't protect them from the dangers of this world.

The fear has started even though Hubby hasn't left yet.

The fear comes out in odd ways. Ms. D tells me of the latest murder in our city. It doesn't matter that it happened in a bad part of town or that it most likely was gang related. She doesn't feel safe. I just explained to her that I won't go shopping in bad areas of town after dark. "The bad guys sleep all morning and don't wake up until after four in the afternoon. You know that!" Yes, she does know because of her birth family's habits.

I see the fear in Mr. I when he can't stay home with the puppy while Ms. D and I walk the neighbor dogs. The puppy hasn't had all his shots yet and doesn't have the endurance. He still has little legs! Mr. I is in so much fear he doesn't remember he was able to stay home alone for this kind of thing just fine last spring. It doesn't matter that we don't go farther than eight minutes of walking from our house when we do the mile loop. All he knows is that he's afraid. So today he insisted that we stay in phone contact the whole time and I give him updates of where we were. "Now we are passing the Japanese man who always is working on his lawn, now we are by the first gate behind the school, we just passed the tennis courts, we are by the park bathrooms..." He went into a panic when the mailman delivered the mail. And when I came home, Mr. I was waiting just outside the door with the biggest kitchen knife. Of course he ran in and put it back as soon as he saw me, denying he had it until I told him I saw it flashing in the sun. But that's how afraid he is.

I also see the dysregulation and fear in Mr. I by the way he has been treating me lately. It's like the RAD years all over again. There's been a lot of regression and really odd statements, like telling me today I'm a sex offender. Really? Me? The one who hasn't seen him naked since I changed his diapers when he was three? I just hope that anyone who overhears his latest rants takes everything with a grain of salt. I'm so glad we know and are close to our neighbors! When the kids come off with odd statements, they don't wonder about us or call the police. Of course, Mr. I knows that he has the power to cause trouble. They saw what happened when Birthmom made a false accusation in the first few months of placement and there was an investigation. Oh what excitement for a kid who isn't attached and wants everyone around him to feel as bad as he does inside! It's a good thing times like this don't happen often anymore. I just wish it wouldn't happen when so much is going on!

But I have a lot to be thankful for. Things are falling into place. Hubby and I were able to have a nice Thai dinner last night because Microbio Daughter watched the kids for us. She just came home from a hard day at work and still was willing to watch them. I was able to make a vaccination appointment for the puppy, and I picked up the report for Ms. D. She started to read it on the way home, but I told her it was pretty complicated and there are a lot of big words that I'd have to explain. She did see fetal alcohol and asked me if that is why her pinkies were so small. They only go up to the first joint of her ring finger instead of about the second. When I told her yes, she asked if her kids would have the same small pinkies. I told her no, unless she decides to drink while she's pregnant, and I'd do anything in my power to keep that from happening. She seemed happy with that. It's funny that of all things, it is her pinkies that she is most concerned about. I guess that might be because she can see them. She thinks so concretely!

So the final countdown has begun and we are preparing for a big two weeks, both here and Nicaragua. It will take a lot of prayer and effort, but it will be good.

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