Monday, October 1, 2012

Is it Worth it?

Last week was pretty rough. The weekend had its moments too. I got my flu shot Saturday morning with Microbio Daughter. I never used to get the flu shot until after the first year we got the kids. The flu went through the entire house and I learned that I needed to do whatever I could to not get sick. The kids still have a hard time with me getting sick, though thankfully not to the same degree. So each year since, I have put up with the day or so of feeling a bit off in order to hopefully prevent a week or so of really being sick later in the year. So Saturday evening at church I could hardly stay awake and the kids used my tiredness to do as they wanted. They did all they could to not participate, like running ahead to ask the hosts if they could go to the park after I had told them I wanted them to stay near us, or Ms. D going to the bathroom with her friend and laughing loudly during prayer time. I was too sluggish to keep up with them and couldn't figure out why. I had burned myself earlier that day on the other arm and so the immunization pain was masked. It just didn't occur to me, until after I rolled on the arm with the shot when I went to bed, that my grumpiness, slowness, and fatigue were related to the flu shot! But during the evening I was feeling so inadequate as a mom and was really wondering if all the effort I was putting into the kids was worth it.

Yesterday I read a blog, O Blessed Day, by a mom who supports adoption, yet can't adopt herself right now. I'm going to have to reread it when I have some time to process it. I was crying before I even got to the place where she said she would pray for me. I'll let you read it yourself, since any paraphrasing I do wouldn't do it justice. But knowing that someone was praying for our family really touched my heart.

Yesterday was also Microbio Daughter's birthday, so I was pretty fearful of the kids doing what they could to sabotage the day. Fortunately, Microbio Daughter understands that birthdays need to be fairly low key. We did go to our neighborhood Chinese food place with seven of us. Mr. I went with some friends to the beach, and didn't participate in the birthday dinner and went to bed while we were having cake. But at least he didn't make it hard on anyone.

Today was a double whammy. First, we had another psychologist appointment with Ms. D. I found out more what her birth dad said to her last week. He told her that if he knew she was going to be adopted, he would have come for her and that she really belongs with her blood family. So no wonder she has been pushing me away all week! Of course, he knew full well he was losing parental rights years ago, Hubby was at the hearing, but Birth Dad had a felony warrant on him and so he didn't want to set foot in California. He still doesn't. But it's easier for him to blame Birthmom for dropping the ball. Of course, Ms. D is still planning to leave us when she is eighteen to go to "where she belongs" and take care of her mom. This is all a fantasy, of course. As if a teenaged girl with a low IQ and FAS could actually take care of a drug addicted mother. I'd be happy if she could take care of herself! Ms. D is blocking out all the bad things that happened and are happening in the birth family and is having a hard time being loved by both families. The birth family, other than the birth dad who calls occasionally, hasn't tried to make contact in months. Well, a birth brother called last month when he wanted Ms. D to give him money so he could go back to San Jose. But Birth Mother hasn't made a move, and we haven't either when her excuses and empty promises were making it obvious to us last May that she didn't want to be near the kids. She knows how to get a hold of us. But she hasn't. So the psychologist talked to Ms. D about how we do things for her because we love her. She also wants me to dribble what we know about the birth family to Ms. D over time, with as much proof as possible, or ask questions to get her to get to the truth. Right now, Ms. D can't face the truth, that her birth family has a lot of problems and there were reasons why she was taken from them. When the truth conflicts with her fantasy, she checks out by seizing or sleeping. I guess I should be glad she hasn't tried to check out on drugs yet.

Right after the psychologist, the kids had a dentist appointment. I could tell Mr. I was stressed because he kept asking me to buy him things before and during the appointment and wanted me to come in with him. He also refused to do something, but a call to Hubby got him to comply. It makes me want to wait with the braces, since he can't even handle a cleaning. Of course he makes it sound, when he talks to the dentist, that he would gladly get braces if I wasn't such a lazy, cheap mom.

Through all this, I am asking myself if it is worth it to have brought these two into our lives. Is it worth the behaviors? Is it worth the expense? Is it worth sacrificing having a career and financial stability? Is it worth the stress? Is it worth pouring my life into kids that would much rather live with a birth family that has abused them? Would I do it again, knowing what I know about FASD, RAD, and kids who have experienced trauma in their lives?

And I would have to say yes. I love Ms. D and Mr. I. They are a joy, well, most of the time. They were chosen by God to be a part of our family. And though they have problems that I remember checking off that I wouldn't accept when filling out some paperwork at one time, they are not those problems. Would I do some things differently? Of course! I'm learning as I go and have made plenty of mistakes. Raising them has not been easy. But I would do it again. And someday they might be able to fully receive my love. But even if they can't, I'll still love them. I guess I'm getting a glimpse of what God feels about us, who aren't nearly able to love Him back the way He love us.

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