Saturday, October 13, 2012

Migraine Day

Today was one big migraine day, though I didn't realize it until this evening during church.
Actually it started last night when I couldn't remember the name of something, I can't remember what it was, which should have been my first clue a headache was on its way. I've trained my family and some of my friends to tell me I'm having a migraine, since I can't figure it out for myself. I've taught them to remind me when I not only forget names of people, but when I forget names of objects like dishwashers, lighters, and washing machines. If I catch it early, I can do things to ward it off, but many times I don't catch it until much later when it's harder to take care of. The problem is that I get so thick headed, I don't even realize I have a headache.

I didn't even realize I had a headache this morning when I went to the store for some milk. I used my debit card and wanted some cash back. The teller was distracted by a coworker who walked by, and I was so out of it I forgot, and I left without the $40.00 in cash for Hubby's car pool next week. A few hours later, when Hubby came home from delivering food, I couldn't find the money in my purse. I couldn't remember getting the money, so I went back to the store. The manager was really nice about it and gave it to me even though they couldn't prove anything until tomorrow when they did their books. My mind was so muddled I couldn't be 100% sure about it though, so I gave him my name and number in case I was wrong and stuck the money in some weird place. When my mind is like that, I can't be sure of anything!

This afternoon I felt sluggish, and didn't have any motivation to do much of anything. I had chalked it up to being so busy the day before and just being tired. I tried to take a nap, but I couldn't sleep. The sun bothered my eyes, and it was hard to focus, but I thought they felt irritated because of allergies. I still didn't realize I had a headache.

But this evening at church, it finally dawned on me. I was having a migraine! I had many of my typical symptoms, but I didn't feel pain until we were at our friends' house. Of course, if I was thinking right, I would have stayed home. But instead, I came but didn't participate, and just sat there shielding my eyes from the light. The people there were nice enough to pray for me, and the pain did subside a bit. But I felt so useless and stupid, especially when I accidentally set the car alarm off when I took my keys from my purse. And then I left the keys on the bench when I put on my boots. I was a real ding bat.

It will be interesting to see tomorrow what I am writing here tonight in my state of mind. Even though I can't think clearly, and am feeling pretty stupid and down about myself now, I know that I will feel better again. And even if I don't feel better, my worth is not in what I can do, or how confident I feel, or how intelligent, talented, beautiful, or healthy I am. My worth is in being God's child. And He likes me, whether I can think clearly or not. This is something I'm learning from raising Ms. D, who has FASD and is MR. If I can love her unconditionally most of the time, how much more can God love us?  And even though I don't feel loveable enough and see so many imperfections in myself, He sees me in his perfect love. God's love is amazing.

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