Thursday, November 1, 2012

Rough Day But Not All Bad

Today was a bit of a rough one.

I woke up with big plans of catching up on laundry, housecleaning, and buckling down on schoolwork. The headache of last night disappeared. I even thought of taking the kids on a field trip with the homeschool group. We had a hard time with the Tabernacle tour yesterday, but I woke up with such energy, I honestly thought we maybe should go to the backstage tour after all. Of course, this was well before the kids woke up and the distractions started to happen.

Distractions? There are always distractions in the life of a mom! The first one was when the puppy was full of energy and kept getting into trouble. He also didn't want to "do his business" outside because of the rain. He went his normal two times, and a half hour later when I went to feed the chickens, I left the back door open in case he wanted to follow me. He didn't want to get his feet wet and so there was a big pile of "business" on the kitchen floor waiting for me when I came back. This was the first time in a couple of weeks that he had an accident. And he chose this morning to have another.

I then looked at the calendar and realized that it was the first of the month, so there were bills to pay. Also, both the private homeschool PSP and the guide dog puppy group have monthly reporting requirements due today. Because paperwork is pretty stressful for me, I decided to do it right away before the kids woke up, except for the puppy report. I had planned to have Ms. D fill it out as part of the homeschool. That was a pretty good idea except just as the kids got up, their birth father called to tell them he was on his way to San Jose and he wanted to see them tomorrow. They were all excited, making plans without me. It is pretty scary for me to meet with the birth dad anyway, but I was hoping us adults would make the plans before the kids started making promises and requests. It makes things pretty complicated when they have expectations, but those expectations aren't practical. No matter how many times I've tried to drill in their heads to ask us before they make plans, they make plans without us. Then the anger and impatience come when I have to change their plans. We already told the kids we would spend time with the birth dad, but they also wanted their birth brothers to come too. Hubby and I want a little more space between the siblings since the older boys show a lot of signs they are in gangs. We don't say it directly, but we just don't make the effort to contact them anymore. And when we don't make the effort, they stay away. The older boys don't care as much for the kids as the kids care about them, I guess. Mr. I thinks the older boys will come if he wants them to come.  I tried to tell him to not get his hopes up too much, but Mr. I is sure they will. We'll see. This meeting with the birth dad can become a real mess if things don't go as the kids plan. I have to prepare myself for another really rough week in the kids' behaviors.

After the birth dad called, I tried to get the kids to eat, settle down, and start their schoolwork. They ate. Candy. When I told them to eat something else besides candy, they said they did. Chips. They didn't settle down. The phone call and bad food made sure of that. And when it was time for schoolwork, I was the one doing most of the work. Now, it's never a good idea for the teacher to work harder than the kids. I already learned the material years ago. I didn't have to learn it again. I know learning is difficult for Ms. D, but she needs to make some effort. That's not asking too much, right?

Well, I was asking too much. As I was pressuring Ms. D to help me fill out the puppy report, she kept snapping at me, saying she couldn't think. I was getting more and more frustrated and she was getting more and more obstinate. I thought it was because she still hadn't eaten anything good, so I told her to go to the kitchen to get some real food. I continued to fill out the form, and went into the kitchen when I had another question about the puppy form. I saw Ms. D crunched down on the floor with very painful cramps. That's why she was acting so strangely! I felt so badly!

I took her to bed and apologized for getting on her case so much. Of course, I didn't have the right medication for Ms. D. The bottle was in the cabinet, but it was empty, so I had to go to the store. Going to the store wasn't in my plans and took up even more time.  The puppy needed more attention from me today, because Ms. D couldn't do much. I still had to finish paying bills and had a hard time with one of the companies' web sites. And since this is election season and we have a very popular son, our phone was ringing incessantly.

I didn't get as much done on the house as I had planned. I never was able to go to the field trip, and I heard it was a good one. I missed out again. I was still feeling bad about not being able to enjoy the Tabernacle experience because of the kids' behavior yesterday. I was a bit grumpy because it is so hard to spend quiet time with God when there is so much pulling at me. I intentionally asked God a month ago to give me more times of rest in Him, and since then I've had even less.  I'm tired of the kids making fun of people who are "too religious." I feel bad that I haven't been able to help them love God as much as I'd like. I can't even help them to love me. And it hurts. It hurts because I love them so much, even as they push me away!

I've been on the edge of crying most of the day past few weeks. I gained two more pounds because I've been stress eating and have been emotionally drained. I have been asking God for an advocate and for help, even as I've had to be an advocate for my daughter, yet I feel so alone. I feel separated from the presence of God.

Yet even though I don't feel it, I see glimpses that He's right here. This afternoon around lunch time I thought of a man who had asked for prayer about a month ago in a meeting. I quickly prayed for him and then when I told Hubby about it, he said that he found out at lunch time that this man needed prayer. When I felt so overwhelmed with the housework this evening, my energy level drained from today's frustrations, I noticed that Microbio daughter was cleaning the kitchen. Mr. I decided to go to bed early, so I have time this evening to reflect and settle down. Hubby took a walk with me and the puppy, and we had a chance to talk. Hubby and I talked. The puppy just walked.

Yes, I've had a rough day, and have felt abandoned and overwhelmed. But the reality is that I am not abandoned. I am not alone. Things are not all bad. There is good.

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