Thursday, December 6, 2012

And I Thought I Was Disappointed

Today was a very difficult day.

We had a homeschool cookie exchange. Mr. I and Ms. D did not want to go, so they made it very difficult for me. Well, especially Mr. I. I understood that he was overexcited about his birthday yesterday. I understood that his birth dad flaked on him and didn't see Mr. I on his birthday. I understood that changing a routine to go to a Christmas party is difficult for people with my kids' background. But understanding the whys of the behaviors don't take the behaviors away. I've been so worn down from weeks of regression and dysregulation. So instead of having a cheerful, relaxing time chatting with other women while the kids played in another room, I had two kids that hung on me. Mr. I was the harder to deal with, since he tried everything he could to get me to leave early. I won't say what he said, because some of it was just too weird to be serious. Fortunately, the women in my homeschool group can handle this kind of behavior from my kids and not judge. I don't think most moms would be as understanding.  I can be a glassy eyed, frazzled woman with whiny, clingy kids and still be loved! There are some quality women in our group!

During the party, Birth Dad called. We had told him the night before that we would be busy from one to three. Guess when he called? Two o'clock! Right in the middle of the time I said we'd be unavailable. I could hardly hear him on the phone, since he talks quietly and the party was fairly loud, so Mr. I talked to him. They arranged for us to meet this evening at 6:30 to say goodbye, since Birth Dad is going home to Arizona on the late bus tonight. For the second night in a row, Birth Dad turned off his phone and we weren't able to get a hold of him all evening. Hubby even took the kids to the place Birth Dad was staying, just in case his phone died but he was still planning on the visit. But Birth Dad was gone.

Guess who is extremely disappointed? Mr. I. Hubby and I aren't surprised by the behavior of the birth dad, but it is pretty upsetting to all of us. Unfortunately, we are caught between trying to help Mr. I deal with this rejection, and sounding like we are against the birth family. Mr. I was angry at everyone and everything and took it out on us. Mr. I wanted chips for his birthday and reminded me that I told him we'd get some today. I told him that yes, I'll keep my promise and get them for him. I was thinking that I don't want him to be let down again, but Mr. I took it as we were trying to take the birth dad's place. He told us that we aren't his family and other hurtful things. I feel there is room for both, but it's hard for a kid to understand that. He just knows he's feeling really bad. He's disappointed and has every right to feel that way. My heart breaks to see the kids go through rejection again and again. They had to deal with it before, when they were in foster care and the birth mom wouldn't show up for visits. On the other hand, they are at an age when they need to see for themselves that there is a reason they were taken from their birth family.

I don't have all wisdom in this matter. I'm so worn out, I don't know that I'll have the energy to even do or say what I think is best. I know I'll make mistakes. But I pray that God will be able to heal my kids' hearts and shower His love on them so they can learn to love and be loved. If you pray, please pray for wisdom for us parents and family, healing for my kids, for forgiveness, and that the kids will not take to heart the rejection.

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