I've been hit with some disappointments the past few days and have been having trouble dealing with some of them in a joyful, peaceful way. I could wait until after the storms to write about how I triumphantly overcame obstacles. But what good would that do for others if they don't see the struggle too? I've done that too often in the past, which gave an impression that I have it all together and am better than most. On the other hand, there is the danger of being a drama queen that sucks life out of people because of bad decisions and trauma after trauma. I want to be transparent, yet not be a drag on others. I want to, in my humanity, to be an encouragement.
So what are the things that have been disappointing me so much lately?
Mr. I has been very dysregulated because of his birthday Wednesday. Birthdays and holidays are typically rough for kids who have been through trauma, and their excitement builds as the day nears. Mr. I is no exception. Unfortunately, his birthday is sandwiched between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a few other family member's birthdays. Add to that the birth father being around and a cold, and he gets pretty demanding and out of control. The other day at church, we had a time to tell others how the week went. I told the group how Ms. D was just accepted to the regional center and I was happy that she will have support available to her in case she decided to move in with the birth family or we couldn't help her. Mr. I told us then that he planned to move in with the birth family when he's eighteen too, which came as a bit of a shock to us. He doesn't want much to do with the birth family now, so we just weren't prepared for this. I don't know how serious he is, but we are concerned. He's also told me the past few days that he doesn't want to go to college or trade school, he thinks I cook to much like a white person, he likes his friend's moms better, and he's embarrassed to be seen walking the dogs with me. Oh, and when the kids and I were walking the dogs today and having a discussion, one of them asked me if I was afraid to die. I told them no, because I knew I would go to heaven. Ms. D said she was going to hell, and Mr. I said he didn't know where he'd go. Do you see a pattern here? Both kids are trying to push my buttons and get me where I would hurt the most. I see that, and try not to react negatively in front of them to their jabs. But when I'm alone, I cry. I don't know what statements to take as how they really feel, or what is just a way they can get me to feel as bad as they feel inside. I worry about them because I love them and want the best for them.
This evening I had another disappointment. We were supposed to have a time of prayer with some friends, but when we got there, it was cancelled. Too many people couldn't come because of one thing or another. I was really looking forward to this time because I've been so discouraged lately. I was a little afraid I wouldn't have enough energy to pray for others, but was hoping I'd be refreshed enough to be a blessing too. Instead I felt sad that God didn't work it out so I could receive prayer. I was so disappointed and selfish, I didn't even think to pray for our pastor who had a rough day, until after we left.
I'll let you know tomorrow or the next day how I joyfully triumphed over disappointments and worries. But right now I'm in the middle of it. I'm going to spend some time watching a mindless show with the kids and somehow get over the hurts. Tomorrow is a new day.