Saturday, February 9, 2013

Anxious

Tonight I'm a bit anxious.

Yesterday Mr. I asked to call Birthdad. I let him and he talked to Birthdad for the first time since the beginning of December. Later, I asked Mr. I why he wanted to call him, after such a long time. Mr. I said it was because he missed Birthdad. Mr. I and Ms. D have a bond with their birth family, of course, yet they get let down again and again. It would be nice if the birth family had it together enough to follow through with their promises, but their track record is so poor. Despite their denials, there really are reasons why their kids ended up in foster care. I end up trying to pick up the pieces after each disappointment. It's supposed to be good for the kids to have some kind of contact with the birth family, yet it's been so difficult. I worry for the kids. I worry that I won't be able to handle the fallout. It's just not fair. It's not fair for the kids and it's not fair to our family. And yes, it's not fair to me. Yet I can't let on that I'm afraid of the negative influences of the birth family, that I don't like the way they have treated the kids, that I wish that they would either show some consistent love or just leave us all alone. You just can't be in the kids' lives just when it's convenient and easy. The birth family can destroy in an instant what we've been working on for years. But I can't shut a door that has already been open, especially a door that opened in such a weird way, out of our control. There must be some good in it. But as a mom, I still worry.

There are other things I'm concerned about, yet I don't know who or how to say what's on my mind. There are decisions to be made, yet I'm not in a place right now to make those kinds of decisions.  I'm so focused on what's been going on with the kids, that the other stuff seems overwhelming. I'm so afraid that the decisions will end up being made for me, and that I will become bitter if things don't work out as well as I would hope. I've done that before. It's not good.

I've also been fairly busy lately. This morning I went to a meeting for Ms. D's school PSP, Almaden Valley Christian School. Sharon Hensely was awesome again, and taught about Attention and Compliance Issues. It was encouraging and I got some good ideas to help Ms. D. I went with a friend from church, and talked with other mothers. It was the one part of the week, other than when Grandson came yesterday, that I could put aside some of the cares and relax.

Then when I got home, I had to clean for house church. I got the house to an OK level, though I really needed more time. Fortunately, Microbio Daughter helped. Illness has traveled around the family for the past two weeks, and though we are feeling better, there was so much to do to catch up. Oh well, I can only do what I can do.

I didn't realize how anxious I was until I heard some fireworks tonight. It's the beginning of the Chinese New Year, and it is a pretty big celebration in our city. I first thought they were gunshots. But they weren't. Whew!

Just before people came tonight, I checked my email and found out that a woman in my homeschool group fell and broke her jaw. So I'll have to lead this month's moms' group Monday. We certainly have plenty of prayer requests this month! There's hardly a family that doesn't have some weird thing going on. I worry I will forget things though. The more anxious I get, the more I forget things that shouldn't be forgotten. I don't mind forgetting some things, but I worry I'll hurt someone if I forget something that may affect relationships. I'll have to be sure to put things down on my phone and not rely on my memory. Sometimes even moms need an external brain!

I need to learn to give my cares to God, rather than holding them in until I get headaches, asthma, or stomach problems. You'd think I had enough practice giving things to God, yet it is an area I still struggle with. It's a good thing God doesn't require perfection before we come to Him. He'd have to wait a long time for me to get my act together otherwise!

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you right now. I hope you can give over as much stress as possible!

    ReplyDelete