Friday, April 12, 2013

Inviting Him In

Walls

Walls keep the bad out, are protective; they keep people safe from the elements. There are good things about walls. But there is also bad. Walls in our hearts can protect us from harm, but get in the way when they are no longer needed.

My kids have walls around their hearts. Their walls had a purpose at one time, but now they keep my kids from receiving our love. Sometimes I can break through, but lately it has become more difficult to do so.

I have walls in my own heart. In my spiritual direction time this morning, I explained to my friend how I've recently discovered that my healing from a spiritually abusive church hasn't been as complete as I'd thought. I have forgiven, but I still have walls. I am gun shy about changes, in my relationships with others, especially other Christians, and in my relationship with God.

I have struggled to break down the walls in my heart. Instead, my spiritual director encouraged me to invite God into the walled in place, kind of like a secret garden. There was so much peace. I wondered if God would even want to go where I am so broken, yet I realized He voluntarily came to a messed up world. In time, I'll ask Him what he wants to do with the walls in my heart. But for now, I am at peace.


Afterwards, I spent some time at the beach. I rested. I walked in the sand with the sun on my face. Instead of fighting and pushing God away from the broken places in my heart, I rested in the knowledge that He wasn't afraid to go where I was afraid or ashamed.

When I came home, the kids were dysregulated. They had a hard time with me leaving for a half day, yet they pushed me away when I returned. I don't know how to break through their walls and help them accept love from others and from God. I don't know how to help them to be at peace. But I hope they learn as they see me learning. I pray that they invite God in the broken places in their hearts. I want to see them happy and unafraid.

2 comments:

  1. I have walls too. I am so glad you know the origin of yours, and have someone to speak wisdom to you. May you find lasting peace in your secret garden!

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  2. I loved this!!! I very much needed to read/hear this today. <3

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