Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Under My Skin

I am not going to let Ms. D's latest escapade get under my skin. I am determined not to get depressed over bad behavior. I am not going to worry myself over something I have little control.

Yesterday Ms. D made some pretty bad decisions. Fortunately Hubby caught her in the act and took care of things. He has shielded me from the worst, knowing that it would be too much, too soon for me to handle. He is right. I haven't recovered sufficiently from the last few months. This just crushes any hope for a quick healing.

I knew something was up yesterday. Ms. D was pushing me away in all the little ways that a mother of an attachment disordered child understands. There was a lack of eye contact, a darkness to her features, an inability to make conversation, and a dislike for hugs. She also tried to contact an older birth brother, but his number was out of service. Then, when she asked to walk the dogs in the hottest part of the day while I was busy with cleaning, I knew she had plans to do something destructive. The problem was, I didn't know what that something could be. Hubby came home soon after, so I told him my concerns. He went out and found her doing something I can't describe here. Yes, it was that bad.

I am perplexed that she chose a time so soon after the last crisis. I wonder if she was doing it because she wanted the attention of the birth family, or out of frustration that her older brother either changed his number or lost his phone and didn't contact her. I am having trouble discerning how much she understands, how she thought she could get away with such things, and how much she cares about herself and our family.  I am amused that she did this thing on the front steps of the local Mormon church. I have to find humor somewhere in all of this! We certainly will have something to talk about in counseling tonight and tomorrow.

Right now, I hate fetal alcohol. I hate how it takes away common sense and the ability to make good decisions. I hate how it causes people to be impulsive and have difficulty understanding cause and effect. I hate how it is overshadowing the good in Ms. D, her nurturing, loving, and sweet nature.

I hope we can all heal. I pray that we will be able to keep Ms. D safe and parent our youngest children well. I hope we will be able to make it through this time as a strong family, that we will be united in our marriage. I know it won't be easy, but I hope we will have the strength to not only endure, but prosper. We can't do it alone. This mountain is a big one, too big for me to climb alone. But I am determined to get to the other side.


  1. During our prayer time at night I pray for you and your family. Every night.

    Sarah T

  2. oh man. it must be bad. i'm praying for you all too.

    1. Thank you so much! It has been bad, yet we are beginning to see some changes. The prayers and support have helped so much.